Image by Tiomono, via Wikimedia Commons.
by Felix Poitras
“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave but not our hearts.”
People move, people escape, people start over. However, one thing they can always count on in their new home is love, even if they may not recognize it as such. From home and away, Nicaraguan revolutionary, poet, writer and feminist Gioconda Belli, identifies love as a driving force in her autobiography The Country Under My Skin A Memoir of Love and War. Whether through joining the Sandinista movement out of love for her children and country or marrying multiple times due to the fact that she falls in love easily, in her own words, especially when she finds herself in a vulnerable state; the primary power behind her decisions is always love. Her text delivers a fascinating and thrilling outlook into a revolutionary’s perspective of the push to free Nicaragua from the dictatorial Somoza regime. This insight into her life positions readers to carefully assemble the puzzle that is her complex self. Belli’s purpose in the revolution can be split into the two pillars of motherhood and advocating for change. After one of her ‘compañeros’ she had been working with closely in the Sandinista movement is captured, the risk of Belli’s arrest is at an all-time high. With no other choice but to leave her home country, she flees to Mexico and then eventually to Costa Rica where she stays for almost five years before finally being able to return home. Her work for the movement both in and outside of Costa Rica are crucial factors in the revolution’s success. In Nicaragua, Belli fails to balance her dual life and finds herself constrained by her roles in the movement. Being in a safe zone outside of Nicaragua leads Belli to reevaluate her personal and political views, allowing her to reshape herself into a person who thrives both as a revolutionary and mother.
Inside Nicaragua: Belli’s driving forces and the border of gender
Gioconda Belli joins the Sandinistas in Managua in 1970. Her deeply rooted love for her children, as well as the fact that she believes it to be the only way to free her country, lead her to join the movement. She decides to keep this a secret from the people around her and starts to engage in a double life, thereby imposing upon herself a strict border. This proves difficult. Belli struggles to fully devote herself to both of her pillars at the same time because the risks of going to jail, losing her children or being killed constantly weigh her down. She finds herself intricately trapped in a web woven by the duality of her double life. However, what she does not initially realize is that there is an additional piece keeping her constrained: the border of gender. Although her roles in the movement whilst in Nicaragua evolve over time, she quickly realizes there is no space for women to occupy high-ranking roles or tactical and intellectual positions in the revolution; those are reserved for men.
Every member of the movement has their reasons to fight; however, the common goal is freedom. Equality is not a given in the Sandinistas and therefore women have to participate in a double revolution against the regime but also the movement. This additional layer in the fight for freedom is discussed by American writer and activist Margaret Randall in her testimony Sandino’s Daughters Revisited Feminism in Nicaragua. Her book is a compilation of interviews with female revolutionaries from diverse backgrounds and social classes that detail the struggles they faced related to the revolution and their gender:
“Without the leisure in which to stop and consider the theoretical implications of their situation, revolutionary women taking on whole dynasties of oppression had to deal with the most obvious problems of their daily lives. It was clear that men drew up the programs, made the decisions, meted out the tasks” (Randall 4).
One of the women Randall interviews is post-revolutionary Gioconda Belli. Since she has been removed from the early stages of the revolution for a long time, she delivers an intellectual perspective on the gender inequalities within the movement: “What I’m saying is that we didn’t analyze the discrimination at the time. We felt we had gotten what we wanted, by being allowed to fight” (176). To grasp the significance of this inequality it is important to first understand Belli’s initial roles within the movement.
When Belli first joins the Sandinistas, she is immediately constrained by the roles assigned to her gender and social status as a member of the bourgeoisie. According to Randal “[women] kept the safe houses, washed and cooked for the combatants, ran messages, nursed the wounded, made use of their ‘feminine wiles’ in the transport of comrades and weaponry, and in all the customary ways nurtured their brothers-in-arms” (4-5). These are the exact tasks Belli assumes at the onset. At first, she hosts meetings for the movement and reads up on revolutionary literature to inform herself on the cause. Eventually, she receives riskier assignments serving as a courier and driver (Belli 67-68). At this stage, her role is to deliver secret messages, objects and people in Managua. In Nicaragua, Belli is never given the chance to be part of the hierarchy, to strategize, or to be an intellectual for the movement. Blinded by her gender, the Sandinistas’ leadership limit Belli to supportive and not strategic roles, failing to recognize her as an astute revolutionary.
Fighting for change is one of the reasons for which she joins the revolution. At the time she does not realize that there are key issues related to gender not addressed within the movement. In Sandino’s Daughters Revisited Randall introduces Belli alongside two other female revolutionaries: “All three are writers whose work is popular in their country and abroad. All are feminists. All have a great deal to say about the ways in which Sandinism helped them define themselves as social protagonists but ultimately could not deal with them as woman” (Randall 37). Belli is thus introduced as a feminist failed by the revolution.
In Randall’s interview with Belli, they talk about the early stages of the revolution and some of the struggles Belli encounters. She explains how she was oppressed, not only inside the movement but also by her family:
“I’d read them [the FSLN’s documents] without my husband knowing because he wasn’t about to let me get involved. My husband actually threatened me. He wouldn’t allow me to go to the university because, he said, I’d turn into a rebel. […] Even though I was economically independent, I earned as much as he did and contributed the same amount to our household, he always tried to maintain that male control [over me]. […] My dream was to study medicine. But it didn’t take my parents long to convince me that medicine was ‘inappropriate’ for a girl” (Randall 172-173).
Nicaragua is a country plagued with gender inequality at all levels. Joining the revolution was simultaneously an act for women to overthrow the dictatorship, but also an attempt to procure equality, which Belli realizes while in exile.
In addition to being locked in by the border of her gender, Belli’s involvement in the revolution also has a negative effect on her family. “Meanwhile my home situation was getting pretty precarious. […] as I became more and more involved in the FSLN, and was called upon to do more important work, it was less and less possible for me to live that double life” (Randall 173). Belli’s active roles in Nicaragua put her and the people around her in danger. Eventually, she starts to be followed, which is due to the fact that the government believes she may be involved in the revolution. This puts her job as a courier on hold for a little while. After a year, she is asked to house and drive an important revolutionary, Charlotte Boltodano. During this assignment they come close to being captured while being followed. This instance shows her full commitment to the movement and her reckless attitude, since they both agree that “they [the soldiers] won’t catch us alive” (Belli 115). Although she is ready to sacrifice herself for the cause, in this moment she disregards her family, since her death would result in her children losing their mother. While Belli is all in on her pillar of revolution, she disregards the other of motherhood, albeit temporarily. While in Nicaragua, she does not manage to live a successful double life; she fails to devote herself to both the revolution and her family at the same time.
Just before exile, Belli’s passion for the revolution starts to fade due to the fractured nature of the Sandinista movement and division into three distinct groups (GPP, Terceristas and Proleteriats). She explains how in the past, this had been the downfall of many revolutions, since they were more focused on challenging each other rather than fighting the dictatorship. Belli starts to question the revolution and her role within it. She wonders if all her sacrifices might amount to nothing if it fails and mentions how this makes her fear being captured: “I wanted to believe that the movement couldn’t fall apart, but it terrified me to think what would happen if I were captured […] at a moment when my faith in the cause had weakened and I had begun to fear that so many dreams and efforts might be wasted” (Belli 116). Belli explains that due to her loss of faith in the future of the movement and its capabilities, if she were to get captured, it might lead to her saving herself and renouncing the revolution. Her motives for the cause are weakened and she finds herself lost, no longer believing in the direction of the movement. When Belli assumes her responsibilities as a mother, she weakens her ties to the revolution. Due to the Somoza regime’s ever-present threat in Nicaragua, it seems as if she constantly has a weight on her shoulders keeping her stifled; she never properly gets the chance to spread her wings and give it her all, both in motherhood and the revolution. However, this chance is given to her in exile, where she no longer has to fear for her life at all times and thus has space to breathe and reinvent herself, into what she considers a better revolutionary and mother.
Exile: A theoretical look and Belli’s chance to remold herself
Comprehending the theoretical aspects of exile is key to gathering a proper understanding of how such a space benefits Belli. Performing Exile: Foreign Bodies is an edited collection of essays that examines a diverse range of perspectives on the topic from international artists and scholars. Yana Meerzon’s piece “On the Paradigms of Banishment, Displacement, and Free Choice” offers a theoretical perspective on exile. According to Meerzon “as a psychological condition, exile is often understood as a state of mourning, nostalgia and depression” (Meerzon 24-25). Belli enters this initial state upon her arrival in exile, where she finds herself disoriented: “Like a dull rain the meaning of exile slowly penetrated my bones, inundating me with a profound sense of loss: my country, my daughters, Marcos.” (Belli 137). When Belli first arrives in Costa Rica, she is lost. She finds herself in these new places away from her country, without her children, without love, without a job and without a purpose. It seems as though everything that matters to her is left behind in Nicaragua. In addition, she struggles to identify with the Sandinistas, since she no longer possesses any driving force connecting her to the movement. This is partially due to the end of her relationship with Marcos which was the force she most recently leaned on in her times of despair related to the revolution. Belli’s original torment of their breakup is toppled by immense grief when Marcos is killed a few months later: “Marco’s death opened a season of rains in my heart; for several months, night after night, I went to sleep drenched in tears” (149). In addition to feeling overwhelmed by going into exile, Belli is also hit with the tragic news that Marcos, the person who showed her true love, has been killed. This further adds to her state of nadir.
Meerzon also emphasizes the benefits one can feel from living in exile: “It can manifest an exilic subject’s humiliation and challenge, but also can reveal one’s dignity” (25). Belli’s “dignity” is revealed when she starts to question herself and embraces her beliefs: “But my convictions overpowered my gloom, and situated my own hardships in perspective, transforming them into something temporary, manageable. That was the price of freedom” (Belli 137). Accepting her initial state of despair allows Belli to realize that it is one she can and will overcome. She achieves this by fuelling her healing through her drive of revolution.
The only way to move forward for Belli is to embrace her proper self, which is one thing she could never achieve in Nicaragua. One of the things always weighing her down was motherhood, constantly carrying the burden around that each day might be her last had a negative impact on herself and her children. This issue is one she overcomes in exile when she is reunited with her children and no longer has to separate her true self from them: “Ours was a house filled with women, and in it my daughters and I were a close-knit family once again, making up for all our lost time. [..] They never put me in compromising situations. They became my tiniest and most loyal compañeros” (Belli 145-146). In exile, Belli is finally able to embrace her role of motherhood without having to conceal her true identity, since she no longer feels pressured by the looming dangers of being a revolutionary inside Nicaragua. She therefore overcomes her self-imposed border. Meerzon explains how exile can evoke a reinvention of self and a state of happiness: “Paradoxically, exile can also provoke a state of happiness and pleasure as it can provide a sense of continuity. […] exile can trigger new discoveries; […] most importantly exile can serve as an invitation to grow up, to recognize, and to welcome one’s capacity for creativity, for innovation, and reinvention of self” (25). The “new discoveries” Meerzon refers to can be seen both in Belli’s progress in motherhood, but also in her journey of restrengthening her connection to the Sandinista movement.
While in exile, Belli’s relationship with the Sandinista movement is complex. Not only does the movement grow but so does she as a revolutionary. Having lost her flame just before going into exile, she regains her faith in it swiftly after crossing Nicaragua’s physical border: “My conversation with Marcos, and the freedom to engage in political activities that I found in exile, strengthened my sense of belonging to the Sandinista movement again” (Belli 129). After having rekindled with the movement she becomes one of the key members of the ‘Rear Guard’ in San José. In exile, her role is to gain attention and support for the revolution from the rest of the world outside of Nicaragua. Her roles in the revolution therefore shift from consisting mainly of dangerous and active work inside Nicaragua to that of a reporter and strategist. Thus removing the gender constraints she faced in Nicaragua. In Sandino’s Daughters Revisited, Belli explains her new roles in exile: “In Costa Rica I worked for the FSLN’s foreign relations commission. It was a pretty multifaceted job: logistics, accumulation of materials, running guns, just about everything. Mostly I was representing the Front at international forums, speaking on behalf of the organization, explaining our objectives and needs” (Randall 174). In exile, Belli is finally seen as an astute revolutionary and is no longer viewed through the filter of her gender. Randall also details how these advancements not only concerned Belli but are implemented organization-wide: “Woman participated to an extraordinary degree, and there were a number of women who had positions of real responsibility” (Randall 175). Belli’s work proved to be crucial to the initial success of the revolution, since Somoza flees and gives up the country after some of the war crimes his regime is engaging in are broadcasted all over the world. Her new role is important to the movement but how does Belli’s presence in exile lead to her self-growth?
One of Belli’s motives to join the revolution is her patriotism. Initially, she is blinded by this love and believes that toppling the Somoza regime will free her country of oppression and inequality. She participated in the revolution wherever she was asked to; often ignoring the lack of morality behind the movement’s decisions. Her personal growth is apparent when she starts to question the integrity of the movement, more specifically that of her subgroup the Terceristas. She disagrees with the way they are operating: “For me, the end did not justify the means. The revolution sought not only to bring about political change, but also to install ethical values” (178). Challenging each aspect of the revolution in exile is contrary to how Belli acts in Nicaragua. Being in exile makes her realize that there is a specific path that needs to be followed to ensure that the country becomes what she and her like-minded peers hope it will, removing not only Somoza but also the inequalities such as those related to gender. Belli’s growth as a revolutionary leads to her leaving the Terceristas and joining the GPP, a group that she feels better mirrors her perspective on the revolution: “It didn’t take long to see that we agreed on basic principles. After so many months of battling my conscience, questioning whether my views were excessively romantic, and whether my ethical concerns had any place in a struggle such as ours, it was comforting to see that [the GPP] worried about the same things” (184-185). She switches from the Terceristas to the GPP because she realizes that they advocate the same vision she has for her country and that for this to be achieved it needs to be done morally. Being in exile strengthens her ties to the movement as she finally discovers the proper motives and self-awareness she lacks early on.
In Nicaragua, she joins the Sandinistas as a passenger who partakes in the revolution, whereas in exile she becomes an activist, participating to propel change and make of the country what she deems it should be: -a free and equal democracy. This thought is further reflected in the final part of her interview with Randall:
“I think the reason we women have so much trouble with power is because the applicable rules very often go against our deeply grounded sense of ethics. The only way we can make a real difference is by changing those rules, by defending the way we behave and operate as women, not by disguising ourselves as men and competing on their terms” (190).
In Nicaragua, Belli plays by the men’s rules, accepting all tasks given to her and not questioning her involvement in the movement. Blinded by its progressive goals, she ignores the system’s sexist nature, which beneath the surface parallels the prejudices of the conservative dictatorship. While in exile she becomes critical of some of the reckless methods implemented by the revolution. However, thanks to Randall’s testimony it is obvious that her eyes only open towards the gender inequalities in the movement many years later. Belli stresses the importance of having women in governing positions, although this is not always possible. Women therefore find other ways to stand up for themselves. Ultimately, Belli’s way of advocating for change is through her writing of books and poetry.
Conclusion
The Country Under My Skin not only details Gioconda Belli’s life as a revolutionary but also shows her progress of self-growth, overachieving by overcoming borders. In the early stages of the text, we learn about the struggle of trying to balance a dual life. Belli believes to be doing the right thing by separating motherhood from the revolution; she ultimately ends up struggling at both. In addition, she finds herself confined within the borders of her gender in the roles she takes on for the movement. Just before going into exile, it seems as if her carefully constructed world might come crashing down. However, what she does not realize is that she is handed a secret gift when she has no choice but to flee the country.
Yana Meerzon’s theoretical look at exile shows how one can feel lost with no ladder to reach for when initially removed from their country, but also how such removal may benefit the individual in the long run. While in exile, Belli never renounces the country embedded under her skin. Instead, she forges a deeper bond with it from afar and restrengthens her connection to the Sandinistas, sparking new motivations to succeed in the revolution. Belli’s chapters on exile are extremely powerful. It is during this time where it seems that she engages in the most self-growth. All the challenges that occupied her life before she fled Nicaragua are overcome in exile. In her introduction she states: “I have been two women and I have lived two lives, […] in the end I believe I have found a way that allows both women to live together beneath the same skin” (Belli ix-x). Belli’s biggest challenge is to figure out how both herself as a revolutionist and mother could live together in harmony. From an outside perspective it is clear that she does succeed in this and that the moment this becomes a reality is in exile. She achieves this by no longer hiding her true self from her children. Margaret Randall also agrees with this perspective as can be seen when she compliments Belli’s success as a mother: “She has lived here, there, wherever the struggle demanded her participation; yet she is the mother of three generally happy and well-adjusted children.” (Randall 169). Without opening up to her children in exile, Belli could have never thrived as a mother because of the nature of her work. However, the fact that her children are safely involved in her double life leads them to forge a deeper understanding of the sacrifices their mother makes for them and joins them to her cause. As a revolutionary Belli at first seems upset by the fact that she has to flee the country and therefore in her eyes flee the conflict. Her work for the ‘Rear Guard’ outside of Nicaragua proves crucial in the revolution’s initial victory to free the country of the Somoza regime. In addition, she is no longer constrained by the border of her gender when working for the movement whilst in exile. In the end, crossing borders proved an unwitting gift for both Belli and myself. For Belli, it allowed her to thrive as both a mother and revolutionary; for myself crossing borders in Arts-One introduced me to an intellectual journey that challenged my beliefs and ultimately led to new discoveries and perspectives, allowing me to grow as a person and critical thinker.